restrainting myself

Its my fourth day at work in my uncle's company. Still trying to get friendly with PHP codes. I feel that I'm wasting my uncle's money. He's paying me just to learn, not work. He's a nice guy, and i feel bad about this.

Well..i still can't give you up yet. Whatever i see every second, will be randomly linked to the times we had together. All the teasing, laughter, bickering and quarrels we had, those memories. You had already become a part of my life, just like the oxygen i need to breathe, the water i need to drink everyday. It seems like we did a lot of stuffs together. SPI trip, NDP, Singapore Flyer, even numerous trips to jurong business park.

Maybe u do not see any significance each event holds, maybe i gave u the impression that i feel bored whenever i go shopping with you or i gave you the impression that i need you to be by my side for other reasons.

I still remember you told me after the SPI trip, you feel so safe when I'm around that you are ready to surrender your future to me. At that time, it was the best moment of my life. You melted me with that sweet love you had for me. That was not it yet, then came around NDP. The day which we spent time squeezing our way through the crowd and running across roads with helpless policemen looking on. My birthday, its my bad that i tried to play boss with you early that morning, I'm sorry about it. On the Singapore Flyer, how i wish we are trapped in it on forever.
Every moment with you, breaking down to even walking with you to class every Tuesday and Wednesday last sem, i enjoy them. I feel that with you beside me, i have all that i need. You're my everything.

I still remember those love quotes you said for me:

till lines tattooed on our foreheads,
want you to be there for me on 3april!



Yes i don't understand the mental torture you are undergoing now, I'm selfish, self-centered thinking piece of crap. I'm the cause of it. I really wished i could prove to your parents that their daughter is in safe hands and i want to take care of her for the rest of her life. All the quarrels and conflicts in thinkings we had are parts of a relationship, we have to face them together as one. I just can't stop wondering if you really mean that there's no turning back for us. I really hope its just angry words from your mouth for the time being.
I'm sorry for causing you and your mum pain and tears. I had become the devil of you.

iloveyou
imissyou
ineedyou

Since leaving you alone from now on can ease your pain, i guess i have to do it, unwillingly.
Walking through chinatown brings me lots of pain. Seeing old couples supporting each other while walking, reminds me about what you said, and what happened 31/08/08.